


If I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

by BigGlasses



Category: One Direction (Band), ziam - Fandom
Genre: Alley Sex, And Liam loved him all along, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But Zayn didn't know, But come on its one am, Byyyye, Comfort/Angst, Don't Like Don't Read, I'm tired, Liam saves Zayn, Liam tries to break down a door, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Okay Ending, Please don't attempt suicide, Raped Zayn, Sad Zayn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This is a bit shitty, Worried Liam, Zayn loves Liam, i'm done with tags, yes please, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-19
Updated: 2014-06-19
Packaged: 2018-02-05 07:35:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1810444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigGlasses/pseuds/BigGlasses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn gets in to trouble. And Liam is there to help him<br/>(warnings: mentions of rape and attempted suicide)<br/>-title from P!nk's 'Sober'-</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my people!  
> So I've decided to write a small one shot. Though the topic is a bit ''strong'' -as like to call it-, I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Just going to say this because I find this to be a serious topic:  
> If you have, or know anybody who has been raped and/or molested in anyway; Please, I am begging you, to tell somebody about it. You are not worthless, dirty or a 'waste of space'.  
> You are a survivor, though it may not seem like it in the begining, things will get better if you talk to someone about it.
> 
> If you don't want to talk about it with a parent, talk to a close friend or someone you can really trust.
> 
> Okay, here it is.  
> Hope you enjoy, leave kudos and comments so I know that people are actually liking this
> 
> -Vanessa xx :)

This wasn't right.

This wasn't right at all.

Zayn wasn't sure what had just happened. But it wasn't right.

Zayn was just exiting the club after Liam had left him hanging alone at the bar to go dance with a slut who had tight pink dress. Jealousy is no good, it's not healthy. But Zayn couldn't help but squeeze his glass a  _bit too_  tight. A crack straight down the side of it, causing Zayn's drink to spill on to his pants. Angrily, he cursed under his breath, trying to dry the alcohol off his pants, but it only made it worse. Zayn looked like he had just  _pissed_  himself.

With just one more curse, Zayn stomped towards the exit, pushing himself through sweaty bodies who tried to grind on him. But with just yanking his arm away, their drunken minds had gotten the message.

He tried to cover up his wet patch on his thigh, placing his hand on it. But nobody seemed to notice, so Zayn just placed his hand back to his side.

Once he had exited the club, he could still hear the music pounding. And the thought of Liam kissing that hoe's neck almost made smoke come out of his ears. The way he would grip on to her hips and 'accidentally' touch her breast, made him even more jealous. But what was the point of getting jealous if Liam's straight? 

 _So stupid_  Zayn quietly said to himself as he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket, lighting it. He inhaled the smoke, then slowly puffed it out. He didn't cough. He doesn't cough anymore, he's too used it.

But when he would get home, he would smoke some more, probably until his tipsiness wears off, probably until he finds it hard to breathe. Probably when Liam admits that he feels something for Zayn, when Liam would just say it.

Bed.

Bed was the main thing on Zayn's mind.

All Zayn wanted was to go home, he wanted to curl up in his bed, wait until all four boys come home. Niall would probably drag Harry through the flat, laughing loudly at a slurred joked Harry would say about a sailor and a maths teacher. Louis would play football with the first house-hold item he would find, tossing it to Liam. But Liam being the grumpy drunk he is, would scowl at Louis and put the item back in to place. He would go upstairs to his room and slam the door shut. Leaving the three boys downstairs doing God-knows-what.

He was about to head to the parking lot when it had hit him; Liam had drove him over. Zayn groaned, knowing that there was no way in  _hell_ he was going to call Liam to tell him to drive him back home. Not after he had his hands all over  _that_  slut. Besides, Liam was probably too drunk to even drive him back home. He thought about calling Niall, since he was the destined driver tonight, so he clicked on Niall's contact and waited.

_Ring_

_Ring_

_Ring_

_Voice mail_

Zayn groaned once again. Niall was probably with Harry, laughing at his drunken jokes. And Zayn wasn't sure if it was normal that the blond would laugh at every joke that was thrown at him, funny or not. He should probably go inside and interrupt this little comedy show, but the thought of going back inside, where tons of horny dancers would try to grind on him, wasn't to pleasing.

He should call a cab.

He dug his hands into his pockets, looking for any money he had in there. 

Gum, clip, trash, lighter, keys, but not a single penny. He had left his wallet with Liam.

 _I just had to leave it with Liam, since I don't have room for it in my god damn pockets_ He sarcastically said to himself as he made his way back home. Zayn had decided to walk, since he thought that a few blocks wouldn't be that bad. But then again, it was almost 2 in the morning, and the streets are dangerous at this time of night. But Zayn ignored the fact and continued walking.

Zayn pulled the sleeves of his shirt down, because the breeze thatmade him shiver. He wished he had brought a jacket.

The streets were lonely -how Zayn expected them to be-, and no one was around. Which made it even more terrible, because had a feeling someone was watching him. But it was silly because Zayn was  _obviously_  alone.

_Obviously alone_

_Obviously alone_

_Obviously alone_

_Obviously alone. Get that through your head Malik _He had said to himself. Zayn knew that he was no longer alone.

A small yelp had escaped his lips when he was pushed against the brick wall. He was face to face with a man with a hoodie covering up the majority of his face. The essential parts, so he wouldn't be identified. Zayn held on to his breath until he saw the man crack a small smirk on his face.

''H-Here's my ph-phone. And m-my watch. Look, it-it's  _Versace_ , you look like the type of man who r-really likes  _Versace_ '' He stuttered nervously as he began to undo the watch from his wrist. But the man stopped him, placing his hand on his wrist. ''I'm not gonna' need any of that'' He said in to Zayn's ear.

Zayn shiver and looked away. His heart thumping, knowing exactly what the man wanted when he began to touch Zayn's thigh. But Zayn toughened up and brought his fist towards the man's face, but stopped when the feeling of a sharp and cold object was held against his neck. Zayn gulped and slowly placed his hand back on his side.

The criminal leaned in ''If I were you, I'd swallow my pride''

Zayn squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the pocket knife trail down his chest ''So, you're the faggot one out of that little 'boy band' of yours?''

Zayn's face scrunched up in anger, the word 'faggot' did not amuse him. But he remained silent, not wanting to back talk at the man holding a knife against his heart.

''Or is it the other one, what's his name? Lucas, Leo,  _Liam_?''  Zayn heard the smirk in his voice, and that made Zayn go angrier. Liam is not a faggot. If anybody was a faggot it was Zayn, cause he was stupid enough to think that Liam would actually love him

''You leave him the  _fuck_  alone!'' Zayn opened his eyes and spat between gritted teeth.

The man chuckled and placed the knife closer on to Zayn's skin

''I knew one of you five were faggots''

Then it all lead back to this:

 

This wasn't right.

This wasn't right at all.

Zayn wasn't sure what had just happened. But it wasn't right.

Zayn was sitting down on the alley floor, pants and boxers to his knees and his button up shirt in a mess. His body was aching and he was sure he had more than just one cut and bruise on his body.

It all happened almost to quickly, but in the same time in slow motion. His heart was still beating, but beating way too quickly. So quickly that Zayn had thought that it might even explode.

He was so confused. It was hard to just think about what had just happened, because every time  _that word_  would go through his mind, it would pound. 

But right now, bed was the main thing on Zayn's mind.

All Zayn wanted was to go home, he wanted to curl up in his bed, wait until all four boys come home. Niall would probably drag Harry through the flat, laughing loudly at a slurred joked Harry would say about a sailor and a maths teacher. Louis would play football with the first house-hold item he would find, tossing it to Liam. But Liam being the grumpy drunk he is, would scowl at Louis and put the item back in to place. He would go upstairs to his room and slam the door shut. Leaving the three boys downstairs doing God-knows-what.

And forget about what had just happened.

-_-_-

 ''Harry! You-Crack-Me-Up!'' A recognizable Irish accent filled the whole flat, followed by a raspy laugh

Zayn pulled his his knees up to his chest, hugging them and then groaning in pain when a sharp feeling stroke at his lower back then all the way over his bum. He ignored the feeling and hid his whole body under his blanket when he the sounds of heavy steps going up the stairs and towards his room. He squeezed his eyes shut when the door opened without any knocking. But the image of the criminal over took his brain so he shot them back open.

''Zayn?'' He heard

Zayn hummed

''Are you sleeping?'' The sound of the steps came closer

He sighed ''N-No Liam, I'm not sleeping''

Liam knelt down next to the bed ''Where were you?'' He said as he tried to pull the blanket off of Zayn's face, but Zayn pulled it back over his head and mewled. ''Zayn'' Liam said frustratingly ''We were worried sick for you. You could've gotten-'' He paused when he finally pulled the blanket off of Zayn's face,but when he had gotten a glimpse at Zayn, he frowned ''-hurt'' He finished

''Zayn what happened to you?''

''Nothing!'' Zayn wined

''Zayn!''

''I said  _nothing_!''  Zayn almost yelled. Sitting up and revealing his bruised face and red eyes.

Liam's face turned into a hurt expression ''Zayn, listen-''

''No. Liam'' Zayn interrupted on the verge of tears ''I don't want to talk about it'' His voice softened and his sunk back in to bed, hiding his whole body under the blankets.

Then he heard footsteps and the door slam shut.

-_-_-

Zayn hasn't left his room in three days.

Three days with no food

Three days with no sleep

Three days with just pure misery.

The four boys have tried, but Zayn would  _kindly_  tell them to 'fuck off'. They've somehow managed to slide food under Zayn's door, but he would just push it back.

''Zayn. Come on buddy. I made you my famous lasagna!'' Niall slipped the plate under Zayn's door.

Louis snorts ''More like  _infamous_  lasagna''

''Shut up. You're full of shit''

''More like you're lasagna's full of shit''

Zayn rolled his eyes and pushed the lasagna back to them, receiving a groan from all of the boys. ''C'mon, Z'' Harry knocked on the door ''You're gonna' starve yourself'' He said worriedly. Zayn snorted ''I'm fine with that''

The boys gasped, then there was silence. But the sound of the door knob being jiggled around caught Zayn's attention ''Zayn Malik. You open this God damn door right now, or I swear I'll tear it down my self'' Liam said almost angrily

Zayn just sat on his bed as he heard the sounds of Liam's shoulder harshly colliding with the door, followed by grunts. ''Zayn, it's not safe for you to be in there alone! Please, open the door!'' Liam begged

Zayn scoffed and continued watching the door shake violently. ''Liam, mate, stop that. You're just gonna end up hurting yourself'' He heard Louis

''But he's fucking  _suicidal_. Who knows what he'll do?''  Liam whispered. But Zayn heard him loud and clear

''Just give him some time, he probably just want's to be alone''

And with that, the sound of foot steps.

They had left.

_Finally_

-_-_-

Zayn sat there in a tub full of warm water.

It's day four and Zayn thinks that he can't take it any longer. 

The thought just made him want to throw up. And it made him feel dirty and worthless.

But right now he was going to die. Clean.

He had left letter on his bed, and by the time the boys manage to open the door, he will hopefully be gone. Just a little message to every single person he loves: Louis, Niall, Harry, Mum, Dad, His sisters, his fans, and especially Liam. In which he had poured his heart and soul. He had told him everything that he has been wanting to tell him for almost 4 years. 4 years in which he had to keep quiet about his feelings or One Direction will 'lose fans', he had to keep quiet cause management wouldn't let him speak for himself, he had to keep quiet cause Liam didn't  _love_  him back. 

Zayn knows Liam all too well. And Liam is the type to speak out his mind and what he feels. And Liam has never said an 'I love you' to Zayn and meant it in  _that_  way. 

And it hurt Zayn to know that Liam didn't know him all that well. He never saw the look in his eyes when Liam would make eye contact with him when singing. He never saw the jealousy in his eyes when Liam would flirt with another girl. He never noticed Zayn in  _that_  way. All he saw was: Zayn Malik; Best friend and amazing hair. _  
_

Zayn was sure that Liam wasn't going to love him like Zayn loved him.

And that was enough for him to sink his whole body inside of the tub

-_-_-

''He's very fragile. I recommend that you speak with a very quiet tone''

''Thank you, Doctor. He is going to be fine, right?''

''Yes. But by the time he leaves the hospital, please keep an eye on him.''

''O-Okay, thank you''

 _Am I alive_?

''Zayn?''

_Liam?_

Zayn's eyes fluttered opened, his vision was blurry and he felt numb. What was going on? Where is he? Why is he still alive? When his vision was almost clear, he could finally make out Liam's face. Sad eyes, a bit red. Lips in to a, what seems like, pityful smile. Zayn didn't notice it until his eyes went down to his hand. Liam was holding it. So softly that Zayn thought that Liam thought he was going to break him. 

''Liam? Where, where am-?'' ''Shh. Doctor says you're very fragile, talking can easily wear you out, love'' He squeezed his hand just a bit

Zayn would've blushed because Liam called him 'love'. But right now, he was so confused.

''You're in the hospital. I-I found you in the tub''

Zayn face had gone pale. Liam continued.

''Zayn, since I saw you that night when you were hiding under the covers, I knew something was up. You had this bruise on your cheek and your eyes were red. And I noticed you had walked home...'' Liam trailed off, his eyes saddening even more.

''I had your wallet in my pocket and I was your ride home. It took me nearly two nights to figure this out, but... You didn't have to do this'''

Zayn's eyes widened ''What are you t-talking about?'' He pretended not to know.

''Zayn. Don't make me say it'' 

The smaller boy looked up at the ceiling, sighing ''I just feel so... dirty, Liam''

''Don't say that. You didn't want it, you shouldn't feel dirty''

''But I was used. Up against an alley wall'' He felt tears go down his slightly bruised cheeks.

Liam wiped those tears away ''You didn't want it Zayn. The bastard who did this to you should be the one feeling dirty about it'' 

''But he felt smug about it''

''Then he be damned. Because no one gets away with something like that'' He petted Zayn's hair, brushing it off of his eyes.

Silence

''And I love you too'' Liam said

Zayn turned his head to look at Liam in shock. Liam had a small smile on his face. Zayn stuttered ''Wha-How did yo-'' ''I read that letter''

Zayn's cheeks went pink ''I never intended in making it out alive''

''Well I'm glad that you're alive''

''Why?''

''Because I can do this'' Liam leaned in and kissed Zayn. On the full lips. Zayn's eyes widened in shock, but then he just went with it.

After they pulled apart, they rested their heads on each others foreheads. And for the first time, Zayn cracked a smile

''Well, I'm glad that I'm alive''

 


End file.
